Now that we are essentially halfway through the NFL season, I have been given some clarity. I can now see perfectly how these 32 teams stand up next to each other. Each team is divided into 5 categories and then the Jets have their own special category because at this point, I would take a pop-warner team over them.
Here are the categories for this week’s NFL Power Rankings:
The GOA…TS (Greatest of All…This Season)
Not Making the Cut
----Non-NFL Caliber Teams Below----
Naturally, everything I saw is 100% perfect and I am never wrong when it comes to these factual power rankings.
The GOA…TS (Greatest of All…This Season)
As of now there are only three teams that are complete, and are the clear favorites to take home the Lombardi trophy at years-end.
Steelers - If there were any questions about this team, they were most likely answered with a huge win over their division rivals. This defense is scary. The offense has so many weapons on the outside, and James Conner is Mr. Consistency for this offense. Even if they lose a game or two, they should be locked in as a top team in the NFL.
Chiefs - They did exactly what they were supposed to do against the Jets. They can do no wrong.
Seahawks - D.K. Metcalf is a machine. He obliterates these defenses and it looks so effortless. If this defense plays half decent, they are almost unstoppable.
That’s it. If your team isn’t on here and you think they should be, well too bad you’re wrong.
Bucs - If they delivered the ass-kicking that they were supposed to on MNF vs the Giants, maybe they would’ve been one of the GOA…TS. Brady didn’t play football until the 2nd half and they narrowly escaped with a victory.
Ravens - Lamar Jackson continues to not be able to win the big game. Until he is able to get over that hump the Ravens won’t be able to go anywhere deep in the postseasons. This defense can carry them pretty far, but they are going to need Jackson to elevate his game when the time comes.
Titans - I was in the majority when I thought the Titans would roll all over Cincinnati. And like many others, I was dead wrong. Cincy showed how one-dimensional the Titans offense really is. If they ever get behind in the 2nd half they can’t rely on Ryan Tannehill to deliver every time. This team is built to protect leads with Derrick Henry. This week vs Chicago is a must-win to avoid dropping three straight games.
Bills - FRAUD ALERT!!!!!! FRAUD ALERT!!!!! They beat two really bad teams (Patriots and Jets) by a combined 11 points and looked horrendous. They’ll get exposed for who they are real soon. However,…they do play in the AFC East which should allow the Bills to make the playoffs.
Packers - They’re good…. right? They have Rodgers so they should always beat lesser teams…right? I have no idea what is with this team.
Colts - They just continue to win. I don’t think anyone outside these fanbases watched the Lions - Colts game, but if you did you would’ve watched the Colts dominate on all three phases. A complete football team.
Cardinals - Recency Bias is the only reason that they are here. I need more from them next week in order to keep them here. One big win doesn’t mean you are a great team.
Saints - Drew Brees = Noodle Arm. However, they find ways to win every game. That counts for something.
Not only are these teams going to be fighting for a wild card. They are by definitions Wild Cards. Each of these teams isn’t complete, but they have at least one thing that, if they make the playoffs, can prove to be the reason they upset a team. I’ll go ahead and list what makes each of these teams so “wild”
49ers - If they are healthy….I know that isn’t an aspect of their team, but if this team is every at 90% health and Jimmy G and Kittle are playing they can win.
Dolphins - Tua (It was his first game against a really good defense, calm down)
Rams - Jared Goff getting hurt
Bears - Defense Outscoring the Offense
Raiders - I will be honest…I haven’t really watched any of their games, so I have no idea what they are good at. With that being said fill in the blank: The Las Vegas Raiders are good at _______ (feel free to tweet me @smoke_links to help me out on this one)
Browns - If they can run it 60 times a game with Chubb and Hunt
Not Making the Cut and the Eagles
Sorry in advance, you’ll be sitting on your couch this postseason watching other teams compete for the Super Bowl. Unless you’re the Eagles and you’re in the worst division ever.
Lions - I feel for Stafford. The guy has never really had a good team around him. He’ll never get a ring with the Lions, but at least he got paid a shit-ton of money throughout his career.
Eagles - You are lucky you are in the NFC East. Wentz is so bad, and so is the entire team.
Panthers - Every part of me wants to believe that they are a good team. I think it’s time to finally admit that they just aren’t. Maybe with CMC back they’ll prove me wrong. I doubt it.
Broncos - When someone told me the Broncos won after being down 24-3, I thought they were fucking with me. Apparently, Drew Locke has some magic. Still, they aren’t that good. Maybe next year.
Vikings - A healthy Dalvin Cook can carry some of these games for Minnesota. Any game plan that limits Kirk Cousin’s involvement is a successful game plan.
Bengals - Don’t worry about this season Bengals fans. You have your QB1 for years to come. Just focus on keeping him upright the remainder of the season.
Chargers - Don’t worry about this season Chargers fans. You have your…. wait didn’t I just say this for the Bengals?
My personal favorite category, where I can mercilessly shit on teams that suck. I don’t think any real analysis is needed for these dogshit teams. Instead I’m going to rate them on a scale of 1-10 in how dogshitty they are. (1 is a little chihuahua shit, while 10 is the shit that Godzilla takes).
If you want a list of dog sizes to compare it to please use this link (It’s the one I used): https://www.entirelypets.com/dog-breed-guide.html
Falcons - 6 (Full Grown German Shepard Shit)
Texans - 7 (Rottweiler Shit)
Patriots - 6 (Full Grown German Shepard Shit)
Jaguars - 4 (Border Collie Shit)
Giants - 9 (Saint Bernard Shit)
Cowboys 10 (Godzilla Shit)
Jets - Like I said earlier. I’m convinced a group a 8-year old’s in pads could take this sorry excuse for a profession team down.
If you disagree with these rankings, I implore you to try and convince me that I’m wrong by tweeting me @smoke_links (It won’t work, but go ahead and try)