I have expertly divided the 32 teams in the NFL into “7” categories:
1) Cream of the Crop
2) Not Sold Yet
3) Middle of the Road
4) Who Cares
5) I’m So Confused
6) Absolute Dogshit
7) New York & A Football Team
These rankings and analysis are 100% accurate and cannot be disputed.
Cream of the Crop
In no particular order (100% in the order of #1 to #5)
Seahawks - If Russell Wilson is behind center, they are always a threat to win. Just a great all-around team.
Steelers - Big Ben is in shape for the first time in his career and has a great supporting cast. If they can stay healthy, watch out.
Titans - Derrick Henry is a human battering ram. Have you seen this dude’s high school stats? (If you haven't look below, they are insane) Also, get rid of the Ryan Tannehill of Miami that is burned into your mind. He’s actually a solid QB.
Chiefs - Who cares that they lost a game. They are still the defending champs and now got Le’Veon Bell.
Ravens - I was tempted to put them in the category below after almost losing to the Eagles, but decided to be a gracious individual and allow them here for now.
Congratulations if your team is here. That means I have blessed your team, and think very highly of them. This is an honor, so if you feel the need to thank me, I understand (@smoke_links on twitter).
Not Sold Yet
As the title says I am not sold on these teams yet. They have played well for the first 6 weeks, but have something that worries me. What is it that worries me? Well, I will tell you.
Colts - They just aren’t exciting to watch. Who wants to see a team run the ball 30 times and just bully a team. Get more exciting and I’ll bump you up a category.
Bears - Big Dick Nick can only do so much, especially with one of the worst running game in all of football. The next 3 weeks will be very interesting to see. (Rams, Saints, and Titans) If they can go 2-1 in that stretch, I'd be very impressed.
Bills - Can this offense really put up as many points as they should? So far, they have been underwhelming.
Packers - A top 10-15 defense last year has forgotten how to play football. Aaron Rodgers did 3-pumps, in the end-zone which is just unacceptable.
Bucs - Will they ever have a healthy WR group? Probably not. However, as long as Brady is still playing they can win almost any game.
Saints - If Drew Brees can throw a deep ball over 30 yards accurately, I’ll be amazed. Maybe with Michael Thomas back we can see the Saints offense explode and just take over games.
Rams - I don’t care how many people tell me Jared Goff is a good QB. The guy is the definition of average. Oh, and Aaron Donald is still a freak of nature.
Middle of the Road
So-so teams that have potential to make noise if they play to their strengths.
Cardinals - Kyler Murray to D-Hop is fun to watch and Christian Kirk is becoming a very solid #2 WR.
Browns - This team is the definition of a rollercoaster. One week they look like a competent team, the next they look like they have Brandon Weeden and Trent Richardson back on their team.
49ers - Are they bad, or were they just plagued by injuries? Impressive win versus LAR last week, but I need to see more from them.
Panthers - What an average team.
Dolphins - I love watching the Dolphins play. They play hard for their coach despite not having the most talent, and it shows. They have a bye this week, and then (just announced) it's Tua Time.
Raiders - Is Derek Carr good? I have no idea, but they beat the Chiefs so I have to give them some credit.
Unimpressive teams that have little chance at making the playoffs/winning the Super Bowl.
Patriots - Without Brady this team just isn’t the same.
Cowboys - How does a team with this much talent lose so much.
Broncos - I want them to be good, but right now they aren’t. Really good WR core, and a solid backfield. Not sold on Lock being the long-term solution.
Chargers - Justin Herbert looks to be the real deal, and the rebuild is officially underway.
Lions - Last week it looked like the Lions found some sort of identity on offense, but their defense is suspect at best.
I’m so Confused
How are these teams this bad?
Texans - Deshaun Watson at QB should mean you are at least an average team. Nope 1-5 it is.
Vikings - Kirk Cousins brings this team down so much. I think they’d be better if they just run Wildcat every play.
Falcons - HAHAHAHHAHA, I’m sorry for laughing. It must be hard being an Atlanta fan. Did get a win last week, so there's something to be happy about.
I think the title speaks for itself.
Jaguars - My mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Bengals - Joe Burrow is getting murdered week after week, they need to get him some help quick or he might not be alive for his Sophomore season.
Eagles - Wentz isn’t good, and their entire offense is hurt essentially. However, they are only like a half game out of the playoffs since the NFC East is hilariously bad.
New York and A Football Team
Welcome to the Trevor Lawrence sweepstakes. Our contestants are the 2 New York Teams and the Washington Redsk- Football Team. These teams are so bad it’s hard to call them professional teams.
Giants - Yay you won a game. How impressive. Oh, wait it was against Washington, and you only won cause you stopped a 2-point conversion at the last second. A win is a win I suppose.
Football Team - I refuse to acknowledge this team as long as this is their team name. Just pick a fucking name already.
Jets - Here is the nicest I can put it What a pathetic excuse for a football team.
Disagree with my rankings, and expert analysis? Tweet me @smoke_links and we can discuss why you're wrong and I'm right.